hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You ate ashes out of my bong
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
