Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
