dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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