I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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