Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
