I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
