in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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