would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
