You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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