Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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