I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
