I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
