its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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