No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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