Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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