chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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