she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
