is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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