dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
