just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
