She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
