My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
