I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
