He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
