I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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