I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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