We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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