you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
