His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
