So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
