it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just invented taco cereal.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i believe in u and ur pee
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