he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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