So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
