her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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