I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
