I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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