In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
