so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
