Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
God, I missed his penis.
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