i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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