While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So much rum. So many feels.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
