highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
