I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
