I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
