Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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