when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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