I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
