Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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