I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
