Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
your like the ambassador to my penis.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
